Saturday, December 31, 2011

12 Apocalypses for 2012: Predictions for the New Year

The world is going to end! 2012 marks the finality of all life on earth. Yes, you've heard this before, and are probably saying to yourself. 'Yeah right. You're just another kook declaring the end." But this is really it!

2011 saw the end of the world almost come. But apparently God changed His mind and gave us one more year. May 22nd, 2011 The Gathering held a Left Behind Party to celebrate with those of us who were left behind after the rapture. Turned out that the whole world could have been invited, because Jesus missed the bus, and didn't arrive on time.

So, we are thinking that 2012 can't possibly be wrong. It turns out that minds as prominent as Nostradamus, the Mayan prophets, and George Monbiot (uhm, whoever that is) all seem to agree we have reached the final bell at the end of the school day for this earth.

Despite the fact that others have said the world was ending in 1914, 1988, 1989, 2000, and 2011 (only to cover a few); you can be guaranteed this time, because the world will end not just once, but twelve times in 2012. Yes! Count them 12 times.

So you can keep track of all the endings, I have listed them below:

Apocalypse by Galactic alignment: January 21st, 2012

In this amazing event of the Galactic Alignment, our solar system will enter the center of the milky way, which appears to be a black hole shaped like a CD spinning at high speed. Theorists debate what will happen when we pass by this center point. Will we get sucked into oblivion? Will the earth start wobbling like a car with bad tires traveling too fast on the freeway? We're not sure. We just know it's gonna be a mess, and we're all gonna die. Of course, optionally chiropractors could offer free alignments on this day.


Apocalypse by Pole Shift: February 21st, 2012

No, not even pole dancing classes will help you survive this one. When the earth flips over, the magnetic field reverses, and Australians are looking at the North Star for the first time in their lives, it will certainly be the second end of the world for the year 2012. You can try and run, but you'll never run fast enough to keep up with the seasonal changes. If you could get from Boston to Buenos Aires in about 10 minutes that would be your only hope. Our primary suggestion is don't drive on February 21st, cause the freeways are gonna be messy.


Antichrist brings the end: March 21, 2012 (scroll down linked page to see Nostradamus' prediction)

Nostradamus described three antichrists over the course of history. On March 21st the last and final antichrist (Yep, the really bad boy of the Bible) will create a little trouble for us. Especially when God finds out what he's up to. That will bring a little holy heck down on our heads.  Our suggestion is to avoid tattoo parlors with specials deals on '666' forehead tattoos from now until March 21st.


Solar Storm Apocalypse: April 21st, 2012

You can't expect to get away from the heat when you die in the end times. The fire is coming for you. Hell will not only rise up from the core of the earth, and spew out through the volcanoes, but will rain down from above in massive solar flares. 
“The energy released from a flare is equal to 100 million hydrogen bombs,” scientists tell us. Our suggestions for April 21st, buy lots of beef (or a turkey), and get ready for a great barbecue. If your gonna go up in flames, might as well do it fat and happy.


Apocalypse by Flooding: (part of pole shifting) May 21st, 2012

Of course we are banking on rain that day, and a few rainbows, hoping that maybe God didn't forget about the rainbow covenant thing. But if He decided to give global flooding another try, our suggestion for this day is don't go to the beach. Our bet for any survivors on this day are competitive swimmers, Tibetan monks high in the Himalayas, and jellyfish.



Global Warming Jellyfish Apocalypse: June 21st, 2012

Wild herds of Greenpeace and Surfrider Foundation activated jellyfish shut down a power plant in Scotland this last year. It appears that we are on the verge of the end of vertebrate life on earth. Don't go surfing on this day, and if you see huge mutant jellyfish running down the street after you, get a camera. If you survive, which is unlikely, at least you'll have a cult classic; or you could try to herd the jellyfish, start a ranch, and a company to create a wonderful Japanese ice cream topping.


Ice Age Apocalypse: July 21, 2012

A sudden ice age is coming your way this year. "What can do that? Glaciers. Really, really fast glaciers." Okay, that may go down as one of the most stupid lines in movie history, but you are gonna be saying it sometime this year when the next ice age comes your way and ends the world. Our suggestions for this month. Put your stock in Ben and Jerry's.


Planet X Apocalypse: August 21, 2012

Hurtling toward us with great speed is a planet hidden from the eyes of the astronomers, but there is a woman named Nancy who has been receiving transmissions from the zetas who live on Planet X. Scarier than the zetas is the fact that we could just bump into the Planet X and get creamed. Our suggestion for this day is to take off that aluminum foil hat and start listening for zeta transmissions.


2012 Alien attack Apocalypse: September 21, 2012

It turns out that the Nephilim live on planet x and are coming to get us. It's their giant battle station in the sky. Our suggestion for this day is to watch the original Star Wars trilogy and hope that the Emperor of Planet X gets what Darth gave the Emperor of the Dark Side.



Zombie Apocalypse 2012: October 21, 2012

Scientists have recently recreated the virus from the 1918 Spanish Influenza which killed millions of people. When this breaks out in the public, and people start dying by the millions once again, we will be running from the zombies. Get your zombie mobile ready now for this October Apocalypse. If you thought the other apocalypses were ugly this will be the ugliest one yet!


Mormon Apocalypse?: Mitt Romney brings on the end: November 21st, 2012

When the American public unwittingly votes Mitt Romney into the presidential office, the Mormon Church will begin the takeover of the world and an ensuing apocalypse for all non-Mormons. It's takeover time!


Apocalypse of Capitalism: an atheist prophecy December 21st, 2012

Atheist, radical materialist, and Marxist/Lacanian theorist Slavoj Zizek is declaring the end of capitalism as we know it. Now wouldn't it be just the thing to tweak our little Christian brains if the only prophecy to come to pass by the end of 2012, was the one presented by the Atheist? Now Zizek does declare that Atheists are the only people who can be "true Christians." Well, as far as the prophecies for a 2012 Apocalypse, Zizek gets my vote as most likely to occur. Although, those jellyfish as ice cream topping are more intriguing.

If you are worried, here is how to make everything okay. Thanks to Seraphim for this wonderful link.

I have a personal plan for surviving he 12 Apocalypses of 2012. I am going to throw 12 parties. One each month for each end of the world. Look for 2012 to be radically bi-polar year. Not only will the poles flip, but one day you are gonna die, and the next you will be invited to a party.

6 comments:

Ginnie said...

Love this! 12 parties coming my way....but should we dress up?

Pastor Phil said...

We could dress up as a part of the solar system on the first party. I get dibs on being a sun spot. :-)

Mark J said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mark J said...

It's the end of the world as we know it. And I feel fine

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